NOTE: My mom died in July. I wrote this post in February of 2021. I never posted it because I didn’t want my mom to see it. I was afraid it would hurt her. So I wrote it for myself to help me sort out my feelings and left it in draft mode.
Now that she’s gone, I felt the need to share it because it was so meaningful to me when I wrote it. It brought about a pivotal mind shift and changed my relationship with mom. I’m so glad I was able to be with her for more than a year after I wrote this, enjoying her company and supporting her.
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February 21, 2021
This is a difficult blog to write. When I was younger I dealt with my feelings by getting angry. As I’ve grown as a person and a writer, I found that writing was better at sorting things out. So here goes.
My mom. I think when I was born she gave me all her resilience. She’s a strong person, but she has forgotten that. For decades I have tried to motivate her to lose weight when she told me she was dieting, and I tried to help her overcome the back problems that have brought her to her current situation in life, which is near total debilitation. It’s been heartbreaking for me to watch her fall apart. She was always the life of the party, the busy bee, and the one who loved to entertain. I got my love of entertaining from her. Now I see the shell of that woman who was a world class grandmother and entertainer and I am trying to cope.
Let me fill you in. In October of 2020 she was diagnosed with a fractured vertebrae. She was hospitalized, had it repaired and then went to rehab. In rehab her primary ailment wasn’t the back repair but sciatica. If anyone has dealt with it, then you know the pain. She was told it was a pinched nerve and it would get better with rest. However, rest would not help her to become strong so she could walk again. When she hurt her back, it weakened her legs so she couldn’t support her weight anymore. So, she found herself in a Catch 22. She didn’t want to move because of the sciatica but she had to move in order to regain her mobility.
Side bar, she was quite immobile before the fracture because she’s had a spastic back for years. Her life had been almost completely sedentary for nearly five years leading up to this life altering event.
Back to the story. When she returned home after rehab, she didn’t put the work in because of the sciatica. She chose pain avoidance rather than facing it head on to work through it. This is where I struggled with her choices.
I’ve dealt with debilitating pain that could have stopped me. If you follow my blog, you know about the blood clot that caused my leg to nearly seize up. You know about my brain surgery, and the pain I had leading up to my hysterectomy. I’ve dealt with pain. I know the toll it takes on the body and the mind. So, I understood her exhaustion and desire to avoid the pain.
I know my mother is tired of pain. She can’t deal with it anymore. The doctors and science she counted on to help her have failed so she doesn’t want to fight anymore. She and I have dealt with pain in differing ways. I got mad and told myself, “Woman, step up and get to the other side!” My mom chose the path that she thought would bring relief, but it didn’t work. I hope she doesn’t have regrets because we cannot go backwards only forward.
I am so sad because she never allowed herself the joy of coming out of the canyon following an arduous uphill battle, but that was her choice, and I need to respect that. I’m sorry and have grieved over her choice, but I can’t be angry about it anymore. I can’t be angry at her anymore. I need to just be – be there, be supportive, and be loving. I need to put my personal feelings aside to be there for her.
It’s heart wrenching. She’s decided to be still and I just need to understand her choice and be in it with her. It’s so painful to watch, and it feels selfish on her part, but it’s her choice. This is where love needs to prevail and the heart needs to hush the mind, because it keeps telling me to yell at her. My logical brain keeps telling me to try and stoke her fire and get her moving, but my heart knows her fire is burning out and I realize that now. I need to be quiet and stand and bask in the warmth of her waining coals and soak in that warmth while she is still glowing and love her. It’s her choice to be still and I need to keep her company in that stillness as we huddle together in her warmth.
Falling Upstairs 