Mindful Monday: Be A Friend

Two weeks ago I shared how I’d been feeling sad since the holidays ended. Contributing to it was grief, my mom died in July; I was sick for the first three weeks of January, I am empty nesting, and my niece is crucially ill. Many factors in my life have felt stacked against me and I haven’t been very happy.

Last weekend I knew I needed to slow down and take it easy. Jeff and I shopped on Saturday, and on Sunday I did a deep clean of the house, repotted some plants, and organized. Having a clean organized house helped my head feel in a better place.

This past weekend, Jeff and I shopped for some updated lamps and rugs for the house and did groceries. I also found a few more pots for my plants. Yes, I have a lot of plants. I got many when my mom died and they are all special to me, so they need extra TLC.

I must admit these past two weeks have been good for me. I’ve been sleeping in on the weekends, and staying home and reorganizing the house has helped me feel more grounded. However, I know something is still missing. Is it my mom?

As positive as I try to be, when I was deeply down a few weeks ago (while on a ski vacation), I felt so hopeless. I really didn’t care about skiing or being with anyone. Being able to talk about my feelings really helped. I have a great core group of friends, and I have a couple really close ones.

When I was so down on my vacation, my friend Karen was a superstar. We shared many chairlift rides where she just let me talk, and that helped so much. She’s been in touch a few times since we’ve been home. I can’t thank her enough for just letting me talk and for the support. It was tremendous.

And Jeff was a rockstar. He was there for me and let me cry and asked what I needed. He was so patient with me.

My family has been great, too. My dad has been tagging me in Facebook posts to help lift my spirits, and he’s called a few times to check on me. My mother in law has also reached out and texted. My sisters have also been checking in.

Having a core group of people in your life, those who you know will be there, is so important for mental health. When you’re up and happy, everyone will be around. It’s the times when you’re at the bottom, and you look and see hands there to help you up, those are your people. Those are the ones you keep close. I am blessed with a posse of those people in my life.

My mom is gone. I will always feel that. I process that every day. Some days it’s easier than others. Knowing I have people around who help me process makes it that much easier. I am so grateful and thankful for that.

February 27, 2023February 28, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: blessed, depression, faith, family, grateful, grief, inner strength, Mindful Monday, personal growth, resiliance, Self awareness, self care, thankful 5 Comments

When My Flame Dims

My dear friend Karen and me at Mammoth Mountain in California last week. I was crying under my goggles.

This is a really hard post for me to write. I’m the one who puts the positive into the world. I’m the one who shares my light. I keep other people’s flames stoked.

Well, lately, I feel like I barely have enough flame for me. I’ve begun to feel sad and have been fighting tooth and nail, and praying so very much, for consistent happiness. Let me explain.

New Years Day I found out I had Covid. I wasn’t too worried initially. I had it when it first came out – January, 2021 – and I breezed through it. This time was different. I had body aches and felt like a bad cold for a week. The following week I developed a chest cold. My doc said she felt it was a secondary infection. Whatever it was, it was dreadful. I coughed for about 10 days. After that – I was completely drained for weeks.

Being sick for three weeks was rough, it would bother most anyone, but this happened during ski season. Skiers understand that ski season is short, and it’s getting shorter with climate change. Missing any days are sad. Missing them because you’re sick makes it worse.

When I got better and was able to ski again, I didn’t have the endurance or stamina I had before. That made me feel frustrated.

Then we left for Mammoth. I was looking forward to it, but in the airport something snapped. I’ve been struggling with mild depression since after Christmas. I was on this high from the holidays. I promised my mom I would honor her memory and try to make the holidays as happy as I could, and I did. After they were over, I felt the full impact of my mom being gone. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling. Nearly seven months after her death, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

So, back to the airport. Whenever I went on a trip in the past, well since the advent of the cell phone, I’ve always texted my mom. She would tell my dad, and all was right in my world. That morning I was leaving, I texted my dad, and I began to cry. Right there in the middle of a very busy Logan Airport, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve known for months she was gone, and it hit me like a ton of bricks at that moment. It was so unexpected and sudden.

Despite how I felt, my trip was still good, but I never felt the full joy I normally would on a ski vacation. I cried quite a few days.

I’m noticing it’s the small things that are getting me. Thanksgiving and Christmas were wonderful because I made an effort to honor my mom. It’s the day to day. Visiting my dad. Going to make a phone call. Driving. Those moments my mind wanders. Then Bam!

I thought I was over the hurdles, but I’m realizing I have many more in front of me. The problem is I don’t see them. They come out of know where and trip me up, and I’m getting tired.

Today, I woke up with shingles. If my health was good, I know I could be weathering these trip-ups better than I am. But I have not been 100% healthy since New Years Day! I’m writing this on Feb. 15. I’m missing a planned ski day tomorrow. That wears on me. A warm February makes everyone except me happy because the warm weather ruins the snow.

All this: the weird weather, being sick, and my grief are taxing my flame. I don’t like when I can’t be myself and give happiness and warmth to others.

I don’t like to write this, but I’m sad. It’s so hard to admit it, but I am. And, I’m at a loss how to stoke my flame again; it’s always been there. I’ve always been an energetic, happy person. I’m not myself. I don’t like it. Will my flame return on its own? I hope so. In the meantime, I will need to protect it. I can’t let it go out. I guess it’s called self-care. I’m afraid but also hopeful. I’m always hopeful. I need to be.

February 16, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: change, death, faith, grief, grieving, inner strength, personal growth, recovery, reflection, resiliance, Self awareness, self care, self love, Survivor 6 Comments

Mindful Monday: Shifting

When I saw this passage I realized I am all of this: I value my voice and my energy, and I’ve shifted into a better person. This shift shows growth and the wisdom that comes from aging.

I think my aging path was a bit different from others because of my brain tumor. It was benign and it raised havoc with my physical body – causing weakness on my right side – and it also changed my personality. What I’ve noticed most since my surgery is that I’m more patient and tolerant. I used to have these little microbursts of anger for years before the surgery, and since then, I’m so much better. I also have a much clearer perspective on life.

I often wonder about these changes in me. Were they a result of age or was it because I had a tumor removed that was impacting me.

I like to think it’s both. Learning I had a brain tumor, the journey that ensued to get it removed, and the recovery impacted me. It caused me to be more grateful for my life and to learn the value of living well – being thankful for all I have and the many blessings in my life. Because of this new perspective, I realized my value. I also learned that my energy was too important to waste on people who didn’t want it or value me.

I believe that my shift began the day I heard I had a brain tumor, and aging – becoming mid-fifty-something – has contributed to my growing and maturing, and that’s good.

I love my life. I have been struggling with some mild depression since my mom died, but trying to remain positive and seeing my life as a blessing has helped me.

I have days where I struggle. But surrounding myself with good people, talking, and asking for help when I need it has helped. And I pray. I pray for strength, happiness, clarity, and joy.

My shift has been good. And for that, I’m happy. I like the new me, and I have many people in my life who like the new me too. And that’s a blessing.

February 13, 2023February 12, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: blessed, Brain tumors, change, content, faith, grateful, grief, happiness, Mindful Monday, mindfulness, personal growth, recovery, reflection, Self awareness, self love 4 Comments

Mindful Monday: Be Nice

When I read this I immediately said to myself, “just be a good person and be nice.” Find the positive when you can and be happy.

Laughing is contagious. You can’t be in a room full of laughing people and not be happy, well, unless you’re the butt of the joke. In that case, if you’re the one whose laughing, and the other person is hurt, that’s not nice.

If you hurt that person, apologize. Always apologize. Sometimes it takes a lot to say sorry. I know I’ve said it to someone and while I was speaking my heart was racing while my teeth were gritting. But I did it.

And that brings me to the final point of today’s missive: let go. Those times I’ve apologized, and it was tough, and I didn’t feel sincere, after the apology I felt so much better. Letting go of anger or grudges feels so nice.

What I’ve learned in life is that most of the time, when you’re walking around with a grudge or ill feelings towards someone, the other person may have no idea. You’re the only one suffering with the bitterness and anger. If you’re harboring bad feelings towards someone who continually hurts you, tell them. Holding in hurt is not good for you. It can also strain relationships. Talking is so good for a relationship. Talking things out helps you to let go. And being nice is the best way I know to avoid problems and pitfalls with your friends and loved ones.

February 6, 2023February 5, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: caring, change, happiness, letting go, Mindful Monday, mindfulness, personal growth, reflection, respect, Self awareness Leave a comment