It’s the holiday season. This one feels different for me this year: it’s the first one without my mom and my niece awaits a liver transplant. Heavy! I know.
That being said, I try to live the sentiment I posted here today. I’ve never been a morning person, so many mornings I awake feeling foggy, and admittedly, unhappy.
However, after the cobwebs are pulled down and I feel clearer, I pray. I pray for my niece, and for the lord to stay with her and sustain her. I pray that my dad has a happy day. He more than the rest of us feels the loss of my mom. And, I send other prayers for whomever is on my mind and heart. Finally, if I remember, I invite Jesus along with me that day.
After that, I’m usually ready for the day. Whatever happens, I try to see the light. If I don’t find humor, I try to bring it. I try to be kind.
Twenty-something year old me was not always a nice person. I judged and I found fault with many. Being a perfectionist, that was my nature. I am trying to change that. What I have learned is when I give kindness, I get it. But, I give altruistically. I don’t expect anything in return for my kindness; I just noticed that it felt nice to compliment someone. If I needed to give critique to a coworker, doing so with understanding made the person feel valued. When I constantly found fault with others, it weighed on me. Now, I give more positive than I get, and I’m okay with that. In that sense, I guess I try to live the spirit of Christmas daily; giving more than I received.
This week; this week before Christmas, I pray you get light, have fun, and have good deeds done to you. If you aren’t the recipient, then give. What you give multiplies and you always get back more than you give.
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza – please enjoy your holidays in whatever manner you do – and have peace.
As I write this on Sunday night, I am thinking about a beautiful, vibrant person who I love very much – my niece Megan.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned her in one of my blogs, and to protect her privacy I only wrote that I had a family memes who was quite ill. In the last few weeks, she has become increasingly weaker and unwell, and my family needs prayers for her now.
She is only 35 and needs a new liver. She contracted eColi over the fall which began her decline. She never fully recovered from what it did to her body, and she has been fighting for months and is tired.
Today, I’m asking for prayers for this beautiful soul. She needs to become strong so she can get her transplant.
In this season of joy and miracles, please pray and send positive thoughts and energy to my beautiful niece. She is too young to leave us. Her story is not over. There are too many chapters for her left to write. All is possible through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Please ask him for this miracle. 🙏🏻
So, back in August, on my mom’s birthday to be exact, I wrote that I had one of the worst summers of my life. And that’s saying something because I’ve lived through some doozies. The operative word being lived, because thus far I have survived 100% of my bad days. This summer tested me, yet here I am, feeling a lot better about life. Let me catch up those who are checking in with me for the first time.
At the end of May I got my very long hair cut to donate it. Less than 20 minutes after getting it cut, a woman came into the salon saying, “Does anyone own a blue Volvo wagon?”
I whipped my head around, “Yes, I do”
“I’m sorry to say, I just hit it,” she replied while she handed me a piece of paper with her insurance details on it.
That began an odyssey for me. The day after that, I was found out I was exposed to Covid by my hairdresser. I didn’t get it, but a week later I was diagnosed with canker sore’s in my throat. A few days after that, I came down a wretched cold. This cold prevented me from spending very little time with my mom for the weeks before she died.
She had been ill for a couple years. About a week after my cold finally got better, she had a stroke and died. That damn cold!
Anyway, she died July 1, and the rest of the month was a blur. Mind you, my car still wasn’t fixed and in the midst of all this, I had all the boxes for mine and Jeff’s new master bath delivered to our house. Those pallets lived in our garage for months.
Also, I found a nail in one of the tires on said car that also had a dent in it. The tire needed to be replaced; it had less than 5,000 miles on it. There was some additional stress from my job that compounded my stress and grief. It just felt like one thing after another. As I write this, I realize that it was. However, I’m here today to share some good news.
My bathroom was finally installed in August. That picture above is my lovely soaker tub, which is as amazing as it looks. A bath in there is delightful.
Bath night!
Also, after much back and forth with the auto body shop, my car was fixed last month.
I’m still sad about my mom. I know I will be for a while, perhaps forever. However, I feel her with me. When I’m having a really good day or when I’m experiencing something new, I think, “You’re here, mom. Aren’t you? You get to share this with me.”
I felt like she was on my walk with me in October when Jeff and I walked around Tower Hill Pond.
She couldn’t do that in life. She was too feeble for years. She’s getting to enjoy these things with me now. She got to see all the foliage and she’s will be with me when I ski this year.
She was there when I put up my tree. She hadn’t seen my tree for a few years and this year she could.
I think these thoughts and it gives me comfort. I miss calling her and chatting. I’ll miss her voice during the holidays, but she will be with me.
And while I feel my mom with me in good times and bad, I know she was with my daughter when she got engaged in the fall. It was such a happy time for my family.
She is getting married next year. When she got engaged in September, it really helped to lift my spirts and made me keenly aware of my mom’s presence.
I had a hard summer compounded by grief. I faced many challenges, but persevering and living each day fully, no matter how difficult, I found new strength. And, finding my mom in so many experiences helped me heal.
I will feel the physical loss of my mom over the holidays. Thanksgiving was hard. However, her spirit will be with me; it will help my whole family to find happiness.
Those who have experienced profound loss say the first year is the most difficult. I know my whole existence has changed without my mom in it. My years ahead will always be hard knowing she is gone. All my holidays will undoubtedly be difficult. However, there will always be joy. In life I have learned that we make our own happiness. A person or place doesn’t make YOU happy. You make you happy. Perspective is what allows you to be happy.
My perspective is that mom brought joy to my life, but I can still find joy in other places. I miss her joy – her laugh and her ear when I needed to talk. However, my overarching perspective is that I am no less Judy with her gone.
This summer taught me that life goes on. Sometimes it continues in ways that aren’t ideal, but it goes on. I learned to find happiness in the hardest, darkest times. I learned that one or two or three bad days can’t diminish my desire to be happy.
I hope, no matter what your circumstances at the moment, you can find joy this holiday season. 🙏🏻🎄❤️
Falling Upstairs 