I do love the premise of this post. It’s advising to see the best in people, forgive and forget, and have faith in others. At least that’s how I interpret this.
I do agree with the idea of this. Basically, don’t judge people, and try to see the best in them. If you are wronged, don’t hold a grudge. I agree with that. It feels good to let go. Finally, do have faith – in a higher power and in others.
That being said, if you were wronged, and really hurt, and if the hurt physically or mentally wounded you, hold the person who hurt you accountable for their actions. Systemic abuse in a relationship cannot be forgetting. For your peace of mind, it is good for you to forgive, but that person cannot remain in your life. Forgive them as you say goodbye. Nobody deserves to be abused.
If you forgive an abuser and forget the abuse, you are enabling the cycle of abuse to continue. Forgiveness should be reserved for a wrong that can be mended, such as cross words when you and your spouse were tired. Snapping at your child who continued to beg for a toy after being told No several times. Wrongly accusing someone.
Those are regular offenses that happen in a healthy relationship. It’s okay to forgive and forget. It’s okay to continue to have faith in your partner, friend, and child. It’s healthy to give and get forgiveness. Always see those loving people in your life as good.
What isn’t healthy is allowing an abuser back in. Forgiving that person after they sober up the next day. Justifying that slap on the face because you set them off. Trying to forget habitual infidelity.
What is okay is supporting an abuser through therapy, or seeking therapy together. Then you’re both invested in a positive outcome. Then you can both forgive and move on. Forgetting the abuse can and should happen only after change has been shown and trust reestablished. Only then can the relationship start over. It’s okay for the abused person to set boundaries and walk away if they don’t feel safe.
Relationships are work. Knowing when to forgive is essential to making a relationship be successful. It’s okay to forgive and forget, when a relationship is built on a foundation of love and you see goodness in your partner and have faith in them.
Falling Upstairs 