Mindful Monday: You Can’t Change What Is

Isn’t it true that most of us live with regret and think: “I wish I hadn’t said that. “ or “What if I had done …”

I know I’ve spent many nights awake thinking about what I like to call, “Would have; should have; could have.” However, dwelling on what happened or wishing something went differently is a waste of time.

My mom died last July. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. Sometimes when I think about her, I think about things I wish I’d done differently. I wish I had spent more time with her, or I called her more, or that I made more of an effort to do X, Y, or Z. When I think about XYZ, it’s always some random thing like: talked more about what she was reading, or shared more about what I was doing at work, or asked her to tell me a story from her past.

My point is, the relationship my mom and I had was ours. It was what it was. In a blog I wrote right after she died, I shared that we didn’t have the relationship that included spa days or lunches. Would she have liked that? I’ll never know. Do I wish we had that? No, because that isn’t who we were.

What we had was a loving, caring relationship. It was solid. She and I could count on each other. When I called her, she was there. When she called me, I was there. When she needed something from me, I was there. When she didn’t need anything from me, I was there.

Did I ask her what she was reading? Yes I did. Did we talk about my work, sure. But I don’t think she really cared about my work. She just cared that I was there. She wanted to hear about my adventures and my kids. She wanted to know I was okay. I wanted to know she was okay. And we hugged and kissed when I left.

Do I wish I could go back and stay longer on any given day I visited? Yes. Can I change it? No. So I need to stop thinking about. I need to just cherish the memories I have. I know she’s here with me always. I can’t hug her anymore. I can’t hear her voice, but I know she shares my life, still.

And she’s happy for me now. Instead of staying stuck in that guilt, and beating up myself, I let it go. I pulled myself up and continued on. My mom is gone but I am not. I needed to live a happy life for her, because that’s what she wants for me.

May 22, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: change, content, contentment, death, family, grief, grieving, happiness, inner strength, letting go, love, Mindful Monday, mindfulness, personal growth, resiliance, Self awareness, self love 2 Comments

How I Honored Mom

Mom said hello to me at the beach

So, I survived another milestone without my mom: Mother’s Day.

Leading up to it, I actually dreaded it. Her birthday last August was rough. I cried most of that morning. For days before Mother’s Day, I cried here and there. The idea of not spending this day, that was created for her, was unimaginable.

People mean well. Friends and family who have gone through this warned me, in a loving, well-meaning way, that the first year after your loved one dies is the hardest. My mom died last July. Thus, when the holidays rolled around, I feared they would be miserable.

However, leading into the them, I made a conscious effort to make them special, like my mom taught me. She embodied Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was the one who taught me how to make stuffing and cook a turkey. She was the one who taught me how to entertain and make my guests feel special. And, I always joked with her, “If anyone leaves your house hungry, it’s their own fault.” My mom cooked and cooked for days before special holidays, because that’s how she showed she cared and made people feel part of her family.

Naturally, I was going to use the skills she taught me to make the holidays as special as she did. And I did. I didn’t feel her loss at the holidays. I felt the warmth she left behind in her traditions.

It wasn’t until January that I let myself acknowledge her absence. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I struggled to reconcile myself with her loss, and I didn’t really start feeling right until late March.

Now that I’ve weathered Mother’s Day without her, I’m feeling more comfortable with this new life of mine. Don’t get me wrong, it was a hard day. But this year ahead, after I acknowledge the one-year mark of her passing on July 1, I will know how to handle the days ahead: the special days and the ordinary ones.

Because I am a mom, my kids spent the Mother’s Day morning with Jeff and me, and we had brunch. It was nice. They gave me cards and a gift certificate for a pedicure. Jeff gave me a beautiful sweater I wanted but didn’t buy when we were on vacation in Canada. It really was a wonderful morning.

When the kids left, I felt hollow, though. I couldn’t decide what, if anything, to do. I had wanted to go to the beach, because my mom loved it. I really didn’t feel like it, though, so I hemmed and hawed. And then Jeff said we were going.

The beach in May in New Hampshire isn’t warm, so we donned sweatshirts and jeans and drove East. We walked a bit and I found a heart shaped rock. I knew that was mom saying, Hi.

We walked a bit, and sat watched the waves roll in. Later, we drove to Portsmouth and had dinner. Another surprise for me was the restaurant had gluten free clam chowder. What a treat!

Gluten free chowder! It wasn’t as good as my mom’s chowder, but I enjoyed it.

All in all, following a weepy afternoon after the kids left, I had a nice evening. I felt a connection to my mom at the beach that was healing. I miss her, and I know I alway will, but I love the ways I keep looking for her and finding her back here on earth with me.

May 15, 2023May 14, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: blessed, change, content, faith, family, grateful, grief, happiness, inner strength, kids, letting go, love, reflection, resiliance, seasons, thankful 2 Comments

Mothers Day Without You

My mom gave me this African Violet. It was part of a fairy garden she made for me. It blooms continuously and I like to think it’s her love that keeps those flowers so beautiful year round.

Truth be told, for many years after becoming a mother, I didn’t fully enjoy Mother’s Day. See, Jeff’s grandmothers and mother lived local, and so did my mom, thus I usually spent the day driving from house to house with my family. Let me explain.

When the kids were young, I always looked forward to a Mother’s Day breakfast in bed made by my little ones. After I ate a breakfast of cereal, toast, juice, and fruit, those mornings we cuddled in bed and hung out before heading out to visit Grammys and Great-grammys. The kids usually had handmade cards and gifts to share, so it was really special. It was fun when they were little, and we could all go out to dinner after as a family because that was a treat, and it made the day even more of a gift.

As the kids got older, it began to feel more like a chore. Drive to four different houses, with cranky preteens or teens in tow, and then head out to dinner and home.

Don’t get me wrong, the kids always tried to make sure I had a nice day, and I usually did. However, at the end of the those Mother’s Days, I didn’t really feel like I had one. Out of respect, I made sure I saw my mom, mother-in-law, Jeff’s grandmothers, and it felt like I never got to stop and spend time with my own family.

I always reminded myself that the matriarchs of our family would not be here forever, and now they are all gone except for my mother-in-law, who is out of state this time of year.

As I think back to those Mother’s Days, I am reminded of the phrase: “Be careful what you wish for,” and that sentiment makes me sad. I now have my wish, and it doesn’t feel especially special.

As this year’s Mother’s Day approaches, I am even sadder, as this is the first one without my mom.

Before I had kids, I always celebrated her. It was all about her. After I had kids, I would have have liked to share the whole day with her, but I was obliged to share it with many.

Last year, Jeff and I spent the entire day with mom. Jeff made her lobster risotto and we brought oysters; two dishes she loved. She wasn’t feeling great, and she ate some, but I know she did it for us. She did thank us and was grateful. I’m so glad we spent that day with her. She really was grateful. And I have those memories.

Mom, Jeff, and me Mother’s Day 2022 ❤️ Mom showing off her feast.

When we said goodbye after dinner, I suspected it would be our last Mother’s Day together. Logically I accepted it as I left her that day, but I had no idea how it would feel a year later, to face this one without her. The person who, when I was a little girl, I knew in my heart that this day was made for.

This year, I no longer have grandmothers and mothers to visit. It’s ironic that I’ve wanted a Mother’s Day all to myself and now I get it but I can’t have my kids all to myself. My kids have families they are now a part of, and I need to share them with those mothers who love them as much as I do, like my mom did for me. And I’m okay with sharing them, because it makes others feel special.

I know with time, each Mother’s Day will begin to feel special again, like when the kids were little. I get to look forward to being a Grammy some day and getting to see my grand babies on Mother’s Day. Then I will know how special Jeff’s grandmothers felt when we visited them.

For now, this year, I will try to honor my mom by having a loving day with my own family, because that’s what I know she would have wanted. And, I will share my children with other mothers, like she did for me.

I guess I learned too late that Mother’s Day wasn’t about me. Well, it was about me because I was mom, but it was also about all the mothers in my world. I don’t have regrets for how I felt because I learned, and one can never regret learning a lesson.

Tu me manques, mama. You truly are missing from me this year. Enjoy your special day in heaven with your Momma. Love you. 💕

May 14, 2023May 14, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: caring, change, content, death, faith, family, grateful, grieving, happiness, kids, letting go, love, Mother’s Day, personal growth, reflection, respect, Self awareness, thankful 1 Comment

Mindful Monday: Be Yourself

Thankfully, in the past few years, I’ve grown into myself. I don’t worry as much as I used to about what people think about me. Don’t get me wrong, I used to. Prior to my current professional role, I had a very toxic coworker. She never liked me, and I’ll never know why; she just didn’t. That relationship took a lot out of me. I kept wondering what I could do to repair myself to make me more likable. Thankfully, I moved on from that role, and what I learned when I stepped back is that it wasn’t me, it was her. She just didn’t like me.

I have to work with her again, but in a cursory role. When we do meet, she is saccharine to me. I just smile and work alongside her. I don’t care anymore that she doesn’t like me. I can’t change HER feelings; I can only control mine. My feelings for her have changed. I feel sorry that she doesn’t know the real me. She will never know the kind, caring, loving person I am. She doesn’t know the fun coworker I am. The person who, when she lets you in her life, will look out for you, and sacrifice for your happiness.

I know who I am. Ironically, it took her malice towards me to cause me to move from the role I had. She actually saved me. She was the catalyst who propelled me to find the role I was born for; the one I hold now. When I found this role, I found the people who see my value. They bring out the best in me because I bring out the best in them. Through their belief in me, I have healed and I am finally the person I was born to be.

Also, from the confidence I’ve gained in my new role, I am more well-rounded in life. I value my friendships. I see the people who value me, and I value them. I care more deeply, because I’ve been subjected to hostility. I know how awful it feels, I don’t want others to feel it.

As a result of my bully’s actions, I have peace in my life. I no longer care that she doesn’t like me. Her malevolent behavior moved me into a wonderful new role. I see myself as a smart, strong, talented woman. What a gift.

May 8, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: blessed, bullying, change, family, grateful, happiness, Mindful Monday, personal growth, recovery, reflection, resiliance, respect, Self awareness, self care, thankful Leave a comment

Mindful Monday: 7 Rules

I love these statements. Just read them. And I don’t mean skim them. Really.Read.Each. Statement. Read the words, and think what they mean to you.

The first statement: Make peace with your past. These words meant a lot to me this past year. Since my mom died, I’ve been thinking a lot about our past: hers and mine. I’ve made peace with a lot of it and am still working on other aspects of it. Each time I sort out something I was struggling with, I feel so much better.

And remember: Time heals. Yes, I am learning this too.

Statements two, four, five, and six all relate, and number four is the statement that binds them together. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. That is a powerful statement and when you commit it to your way of thinking, you will be in better control of your life.

When you understand that: what others think of you is not your business, it’s freeing. When you stop comparing yourself to others, and when you stop overthinking, you will be happy.

Enter each new situation worry-free. Don’t let others take your peace of mind by worrying how you look or if you fit in. Thus: when you stop comparing yourself to others, you gain self confidence, and you will be happy.

At the end of they day: when you stop overthinking, comparing and worrying, you will be in control of your happiness.

And: when you’re happy, you smile.

Easy. Right?!

I think about these rules a lot. Almost daily. When I spend too much time in my head, or I’m feeling down, I try figure out why.

Don’t get me wrong. We all have sad or down days. And that’s okay. They happen, and on those days there is nothing I can do except ride them out.

Other days, there may be something that happens that upsets me. It could be words with Jeff, a stressful day at work, or just the weather. Those are the days that I choose how to react. I can choose to be happy instead of overreacting or getting blue. I am in charge of my own happiness. Are you?

May 1, 2023 by Judith P. Dionne Tags: change, contentment, fitting in, grief, happiness, identity, Mindful Monday, mindfulness, personal growth, reflection, respect, Self awareness, self love Leave a comment